Went with my dad hiking today. It was a cold, cloudy day and the mountains were covered in a gentle mist, so all I got are a couple of landscapes and plenty of flowers (the special kind who live in National Parks)

http://pics.livejournal.com/matilda36/pic/000bfzf8/g32

I had my interview for disability benefits on tuesday. all she seemed interested in was if I had a job. I'll know the answer in 3 months, but I am not very optimistic.

Drove to work tuesday night. First time night driving,  it was ok.

Been sloppy in my studying. I have nearly finished my next assignement, but I am punishing myself by not finishing it.

I am punishing myself by not doing anything actually. The house is tidy but not cleaned properly, I have not been exercising, and I have been eating junk all week.

Had a fight with a friend last night. We spoke this morning and we are ok, but the fight really took a lot out of me. It was one of those fights in which i get called a control freak a lot. My therapist tells me I should be less of a control freak. I try and then discover new ways in which I am stiff as a board. Stiff like rigor mortis would apparently be more appropriate, because apparently being such a control freak stops me from "living". Yeah I am feeling a bit antagostic with my therapist at the moment.

Why can't I be right, once in a while?

Today I drove to work. I went for a driving lesson last thursday with a friend and it was scary but ok, but today was my first attempt at driving a car alone in nearly 10 years. I picked sunday morning, because I know very few people are around at that time.

How did it go? I remember more I thought. I need to remember how to use gears properly and my maximum speed is 60 km x hour (not bad considering it's all city driving )m, but I can drive to and from work when I have the evening shift, and that's all I need. For the rest, I got my bike.

I was so worried about driving that I frogot I was wearing a sheer white top. Apparently my customers think my tits make great conversation openers and want to see more of them.

Still depressed.

I went out shopping on monday morning, got back to a misunderstanding on my leave (I wanted 5 days, they thought I wanted 8 ), Misunderstanding solved, but it left me shaken. Haven't done anything worthwhile since except exercising and cleaning the fridge.

I am shored up by a combination of Smallville Season 1, coffee and spn_j2_bigbang 

I still have today to feel like shit. From tomorrow I am going to report back to duty. But it will take a while before I climb up this dark hole.

I am off to work today, after three days at home and before 5 more days at home.

Went out to dinner last night with my father. It helped. Knowing that somewhere in the future there's a place where we live together and he's allowed to gently get old...it helped. I spent the morning speaking to Jake and Joey, my brother and my baby and they helped as well.

I also got back another assignement and it's another A. Everytime I am sure I have done a crappy job, I surprise myself. More incentives to study next week. Positive feedback produces motivation.

It's the darkness gone? No, but today it may be slightly easy to bear. I am not alone.

I think I am going down with a bout of depression. Things have been looking bleaker and bleaker with no reason at all recently, and I have found myself thinking that stopping my medications would not be bad if it meant hypomania.

Luckily for me I still know that my meds are all that stands between me and serious depression.

I am taking some time off next week. At the wrong time. When I am not at work I have too much time to think. I already spent the morning curled up under the covers. I feel lonely, unloved and unlovable.

I am scaring myself

Today I went and filled in my tax forms. I was a bit panicked because two of my colleagues found that their employers had messed up their payments and are now due to pay a lot of money. But things went well and I am due a tax rebate of 48€. What should I spend it on? I need sunglasses, but I still have some old car taxes to take care of.

Also I got back another assignments and it's another A. I am getting spoiled. Must not allow success to get to my head and keep focused.

Gloating aside I am really enjoying my studies.I love studying. Studying makes me feel happy and alive. I am probably a bit sad, but intellectual stimulation trumps emotions in my book anytime.
 
I can see a practical use for my studying. I know I am still a long way from being a good language teacher, but I can see myself as a teacher. I have taken at observing the not italian speakers at work and noticing the way they handle language. Arabs for example tend to be quite fluent and bold in speaking Italian, but they tend to hide it when they don't understand and they have big problems with reading out alphabet I have been thinking on how to use my observations to improve my interactions. Today I am going to try teacher's talk on my customers.

And last but not least, does anybody have any idea on how to make basil survive? Last year it was lavender eluding me, this year it's basil. I am going to have to get some more.

Was handed in today. I had my second one back on Sunday. My teacher said that I did an excellent job and gave me an A. Considering that I was thinking I'd failed it was good.

This one... I have used the same style of answers than last time. Let's just hope that the content is good.

On other news, I went food shopping today. I need to loose some weight and my diet has been worse than usual recently.

Yeah therapy is stressing me out.

I have two invite codes available.

Comment if you want them

Because I need some cheering up (even my therapist thinks so) I decided to dedicate today to Connor Kent Luthor,
 
The genetically engineered son of Superman and Lex Luthor. The proverbial test tube baby has had three wonderful stories written about him. I knew of two, I discovered the third one yesterday and I fell in love with him all over again.

( This way for some not Star Trek fun *pouts* why can't I find anybody to come with me to see it? )

Just handed in my second assignement.

Not feeling good about it

Today I just handed in the paperwork for my disability benefits. Now I just have to wait and see how crazy they think I am.

I also got myself some nice veggies and got my mobile phone fixed.
 
I also got my bicycle a new shiny basket. I know my dad has got me a car for the rain and the evenings, but I still see myself as a bike person. I feel safer on my wheels and I can fly  happy in the wind, instead of sitting inside a sardine can.

Anyway I cleaned my house, got some good cleaning in (except for the kitchen, but I am frying zucchini flowers tomorrow, so I'll clean up after I fry) AND I finally got my groove back about my studies.

All in all a very satisfactory day.

I am also matilda36 on dreamwidth. Feel free to friend me:

http://matilda36.dreamwidth.org/

For the time being I am staying here, but I am glad to have a backup and to explore.

My dad and I celebrated Mayday with a nice trip to the mountains and a lovely lunch of mushrooms pasta and roast. And a nice red wine.

To digest it we went walking and I took some pics. I am particularly proud of the butterfly ones. She stood still long enough for me to take the pics.

http://pics.livejournal.com/matilda36/pic/000agkxc/g31

One thing I haven't waxed as lyrical about as I should have is my new camera. It's digital, it's bag friendly and takes good pics.

Here are some of my recent efforts:

I went recently back to my hometown (yeah it's 30km over but I hadn't been there for a proper trip down memory lane since I got back.)
If somebody is interested the town is called Reggio Emilia. Here are some of the best views a grey and rainy day had to offer:

http://pics.livejournal.com/matilda36/gallery/00010qs4?page=1

On Easter sunday we went to Colorno, a small town near Parma, where the gardens of one of the Duke of Parma country houses have been recently ave been restored to their glory:

http://pics.livejournal.com/matilda36/gallery/00012ebq

And last but not least, the first pictures of my garden for this year

http://pics.livejournal.com/matilda36/gallery/000115k4

Just to let you know that I am safe and sound and not living in the area afflicted.

Prayers and thoughts with those who lost lives, homes and family

One of the biggest gambling groups sent out leaflets to be handed out in all betting shops called "Are you a "dangerous" gambler?" with the aim to help compulsive gamblers identify if they have a problem.

Today I told two of my oldest friends that i have bipolar disorder. I am still not sure how I feel about it, or how they will react (I took the coward's way and sent them an email), but I needed to do it.

I need friendship, in all shapes and forms and honesty is a cornerstone of friendship.

And... I need all the help i can get.