matilda36

Worked hard saturday and sunday. The fatigue was made worse by my constant mental commentary on colleagues and customers and the fact I spent all of Saturday night worried about parking. In the end I didn't have any problem whatsoever in finding parking space. It's just that sometimes I get so lost in my head that I make everything difficult. I make physical situations, simple situations, mentally obsessive and hence tiring. So, yeah a 10 hours shift is tiring, but a 10 hours shift without a smile is much worse.

Things like that really make me think. Make me feel a bit of a failure but at the same time, I am starting to see them and realise them. And I haven't snapped at anybody. So maybe there's hope.

This morning I went to school and I was ok, mentatlly much more relaxed. I just spent the return trip planning my shopping list. But I needed to go and do my shopping so... got home, watched Top Gear and last week Glee (Jury's still out there on this one. I love the songs actually. And Emma.). Now for a change i am listening to Indigo girls and reading threesome porn. Adam/Katy/Kris.

I had a busy day yesterday. Went to teach, finally managed to sit in a lesson and watch somebody else teach, got told off for missing the teachers'meeting (but it would have been too much. It sent me in a fit of paranoia), but it was ok.

Got home, went to see my therapist. We had a good session, one about motivation. If you have the right motiviation, anxiety settles down a bit. You stop thinking ahead and working yourself in a snit. Because it's your decision. You take control and you take responsibility. I got home from work and had tuna spaghetti and bread and jam. It was my decision, it's my responsibility now to digest it all.

So I went to work in slightly better spirit today. The weather is appalling, but I managed to catch the bus this morning. I was at work early, the cleaners let me in so it was ok.

It was a busy morning for a weekday,so it passed ok, and at the return walking home in the rain wasn't too bad. I have a new story in my brain

Got home and watched TopChefwhile I ate. I root for Bryan, but I think Kevin will win. Now I am exploring kink_bigbang that I discovered thanks to nufaciel . It looks af if there are some good stories in there.

I just had that most precious thing that is a Very Good Nap, was in a good mood since I cleaned the house and was getting ready to have a cinnamon latte and to study a bit, when my phone rang and suddenly I had accepted to take on not one but one and an half extra shifts. I know I am going to pay for it, that I am going to get very, very tired and scared and emotional.... No good for my health. I don't seem to be able to say no. I don't even think it's the extra money (handy to set aside for things like a new laptop, food and internet bills), I think it's that I am afraid of saying no, afraid that they'll be upset at me if I say no. I'll need to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow, after I apologise for being tired and emotional last time..

( cut for some meta thoughts )

That AIDS may not be in fashion anymore, but it still kills millions of people, here and in some of the poorest regions in the world. Let's stop and think about it today and see what we can do to stop it. http://worldaidsday.org/


PRACTICE SAFE SEX FOLKS !!!!!

To all those on my friend list in need of one, a big hug. To those who don't need it a big hug all the same, because we all need hugs.

Cranky day at work. Good flow of customers, but nothing too exciting. I had a look at my shifts for next week and they were... a mess. Luckily I managed to sort them out. So I'll work tomorrow afternoon (basically I'll get off the train and go to work), Friday afternoon and Sunday. And here's the clincher I have a 10 hours shift on Sunday. I'll be ok.

Very little to say otherwise... Had a nice dinner with my dad last night.. Aside for his brilliant idea of cutting his toenails in the bathroom sink.

Tomorrow busy day. It's gonna be a bit of a challenge to write my last entry for the month, but I'll do it. NaBloPoMo nearly completed.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Another day off. I am in two minds at the moment about days off: one one hand they are great. I rest, recover and clean the house ( am so proud of myself! I even made minestrone from scratch). I gather the strenght I need to face with what I already know will be a busy week (I am in Reggio 3 days instead of two, with the added stress of it being an afternoon visit, and I have therapy on thursday), but after a while they get boring.

Yeah because I like doing things. I get tired, but I am enjoying my new routine. Now if only I were to find the will to study too...

Instead I am still reading (still on an House kick) and watching White collar. I like Neil Cafferty but the set up is getting a bit boring. It's on my "to watch when there's nothing else on" list.

And tonight I have my dad over for dinner. I miss him. I mean we talk on the phone all the time, but spending time together is a treat

Day off. And today I kept busy. Went down to the shops, cleaned the house (except for the bathroom, that i plan to clean tomorrow, when I'll cook minestrone for my dad for dinner), dyed my hair (the usual red).

My father got a bit pissy at me this morning. Same old, same old. I am not good at taking care of myself and my things. I do the bare minimum, I look shabby and I feel shabbier. It's just... I tire so easily.I know it's a good excuse but it's the truth

I am now catching up with my shows: Chef accademy is hilarious with Novelli the pompous frenchman and Emanuel the porn star chef. Where's my Frenchmen slash?

Glee. I am not as keen as most people about it. It's ok. I keep watching it for Will and the Musical numbers.

NCIS. Basically the only Police procedural I am watching nowadays (does White collar counts?). Now that they have toned down the big storylines, it's just fun to watch. And I love Tony. I am a bit disappointed by ncis_bigbang . The posting is being quite disorganised and none of the stories posted so far has me reading further than the summary.

Modern Family: cute littl comedy, very well acted.

Happy thanksgiving to all the Americans on my flist




*pouts* apparently I lost my second pair of gloves of the season.

E.T.A. A kind soul found my gloves.

With this post I have only 5 days left of NaBloPoMo. This year it has been easier then the last, thanks also to the support of chef_hector .

I have also been enjoying myself quite a bit. I know I haven't been particularly deep, with only passing glimpses of my convoluted brain, but maybe it's because my brain and my life are more simple and more satisfactory than last year. I am going back into teaching, and it's giving me true satisfaction. It's also making going to work easier.

I am tired, and I am a bit behind with my housework, but It's worth it. At least I think so on the good days and today it's a good day.

Went to work this morning. It was a busy day (and those are always good), and I wasn't irritated by my colleagues much (downsides of tiredness). I even had fun because we got one of our managers, who hates till work and tends to hide in the backoffice, to spend quite a lot of time at her till.

Got home, ate something, did some laundry and watched Conan. Anderson Cooper was on. Apparently he had swine flu. Poor babe. He looked dashing and classy as usual in his brown suit (How many men can pull off a brown suit? Andy can ).

Now? I am looking for some good House/Wilson/Chase or Wilson/Chase porn and listening to the Dixie Chicks.

I am loving having a day off. Puttering around, tidying clothes and doing laundry, making mashed potatoes from scratch (Hot chocolate will be made later). I even studied a bit.

I spent the morning RPing with chef_hector as Jon Stewart and Anderson Cooper. Apparently a misunderstanding had happened around thanksgiving and make up sex was required.

Watched Castle, House (still loving this Season, falling in love with Chase, less with the whole Huddy storyline. Thanks god for Wilson) and Top Gear (always good for a laugh)

Plans for the rest of the day? Reading and hot chocolate.

I survived. I had a good day at school. The relationship with the students was good and they absorbed things easily. At least I hope.

At work things went better than I thought. We worked nicely for a Monday,( notoriously a slow day ), I argued with only two people and neither argument was serious. I even got some change when I checked the till.

Now I am home, planning on relaxing. Tomorrow I am off and the plan is to clean and relax.

I am pouting because I don't want to go to work.

Busy day at work (good news because we need the business), but I got a bit pissy for a couple of small things, like people taking too long to eat or one of the managers spending time playing Blackjack. Luckily I managed to keep those thoughts in my mind and away from the customers. I felt a bit distant from my colleagues. That's not a good sign. When that kind of thoughts creeps into my mind, that arrogance, means that I am on the verge of mania. Tiredness, change, work with my therapist are triggering.

Strange that I put working with my therapist as a trigger. She makes me feel as if I have a right to be alive, a right to do well at my job, that I have right to a better job. That I can speak up for myself. That I can. My anger makes this explosive.

So I am staying silent. Violently silent.

Good news? I played a fun RP with chef_hector and his sweet husband. I also drove to work. Twice in three days. Everybody tells me that the only way to stop being afraid of driving is to drive, so i am trying.

Plans for the rest of the day? Relaxing. Long day tomorrow and I need to wind down. Need to deal with my anger

Not too bad a day at work. Yesterday had been worse. I still get irritated by the smallest thing, but I am trying to slowly work on my anger. I know it's very old and I know it's very useless. Rather unproductive, but it has been with me for so long that I don't know how to be without it.

Anyway, it wasn't a busy day but we had some queues and that's good.I had a look at my shifts next week and apparently they have decided that my not being available Monday and Thursday morning means that they have to give me afternoon shifts. What it means is that Monday and Thursday evenings I'll be so tired that my anger will be curling low in my belly and that my hands will probably shake. At least I am off both Tuesday and Friday, so i can recover. I have Saturday free, I'll see if my dad wants to do something together.

Stopped for food on the way home, ate Profitterols while watching White Collar (I am still on the fence on that one. Neil Cafferty is an interesting character and the relationship between the male leads is captivating in a snot slashy way, but it can easily become just another cop show). Now I am eating eggs while reading House/Wilson/Chase threesome fics:

Try this: http://alex51324.livejournal.com/?tag=threesome it's good.

Can I reiterate the fact that I am tired? Last night I had one of my tiredness related meltdowns in front of my therapist. It did me good, I think. She scared me with all the change to come, I threw a fit about how change for me it's impossible, we dabbled a bit in the darkest parts of my mind, she told me to go home and get some rest.

I tried. The problem is that I try to sleep, I even fall asleep, but then I start to dream, and dream, and dream. No nightmares, thank good, just stories. Realistic stories, even interesting stories. Sometimes I wake up wanting to know the end. But stories mean no rest.

I am told vivid dreams are a side effect of sleeping medication, my doctor suggested melatonine and i think I'll try that next visit. But in the meantime I need to find alternative ways to relax. This mean porn.

Does anybody have any good recs for me? I'll take most fandoms except for HP and Twilight, and I am in the mood for something long and kinky

I so do not want to go to work today.

when even your therapist tells you to get some rest, it's time to just throw in the towel and go to bed.

Ok. I had this page open for half an hour trying to think about what to write.

I went to work, apparently it's true that they are looking at staff cuts. It doesn't faze me. There have been rumours about it for nearly a year. I think I should be ok for at least a little longer. For me it would be enough to last till the end of February, so i can pass my exam.

Got home, did some laundry, studied a bit, got the new Norah Jones album (I am listening to it now and I am quite liking it. A nice mixture of jazz, country and pop).

Now I am trying to find some good fic to read. I am halfway through a story about House and Wilson as hitmen, ok but nothing to write home about.

Plans for the rest of the night? Eat mashed potatoes, watch NCIS and relax. Tomorrow another long day.

( Spoilers for House and Castle )
Keeping it lightly.Just some well deserved R&R